Do we expect too much from others?
We have all experienced disappointment and had people let us down. When that happens, do not forget – we let people down, too. It is important to reassess our expectations, and remember it is more blessed to give than receive.
Photographer: Alexander Neumann Fashion Editor/Stylist: Helene Fonton Hair Stylist: Shinya Nakagawa Model: Ros Georgiou
All relationships require giving to others, be that through time, effort or resources. At our best, we give to others without expecting anything back, inspired by the likes of Anne Frank; ‘no one has ever become poor by giving’ or Booker T Washington: ‘those who are happiest are those who do the most for others.’ Then suddenly, and perhaps inevitably, we experience disappointment. A colleague throws you under the bus, a family member is being there for you or a friend lets you down, and disappointment leaves a bitter taste. When people let you down it is hard not to harbour feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness or even resentment. Dealing with that disappointment can be difficult and leave scars.
Nobody is perfect
In the Bible, in Matthew 7:12, Jesus teaches that we should ‘do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.’ Perfection does not exist in any human being. We often forget to treat others how we would like to be treated. As long as we live, we have to admit that just as we are disappointed by people, we ourselves have let people down. It may have not been intentional; but we have been on both sides.
Dr Thema Bryant-Davis suggests that we ‘accept the fact that some people don’t intend to let you down. Their best is just less than you expected.’ When we feel let down it is important to understand the expectations we place on people, as well as what they would expect to give.
‘Those who are happiest are those who do the most for others’
Unrealistic expectations hurt
One of my favourite quotes is by Nelson Mandela and it says ‘There can be no greater gift than that of giving one’s time and energy to help others without expecting anything in return.’ This can be difficult to achieve but the key lesson is not to put expectations on people. Because, expectations will damage you. As long as you expect something to be reciprocated by your standard, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Here’s my trivial example. Whenever I buy milk, l always pick up Cravendale, no matter what shop I am in, because I honestly think that it is the milk of all milks. I have a friend who prefers to buy non-branded milk. If my friend bought me the milk that she prefers and I was unappreciative, that is a me problem. I have set an expectation of my standard when she has given from her standard.
‘Do not put expectations on people. Because expectations will damage you’
God will never disappoint you
As you adapt your expectation of people, you challenge the power of disappointment and being hurt. The Bible, like my favourite quote by Nelson Mandela, is full of verses, parables and stories which emphasise working on our own behaviour instead of trying to change others’. It teaches us that we should not solely rely on people because they can change and are imperfect too. Instead, we should rely on God, because he will never disappoint you.
Nobody is immune from disappointing others – we are all human. Life is an echo, what you send out will always come back, what you sow you reap, what you give you get. You may not get it back from where you gave, but you will always get it back. We have all been hurt but we have also hurt others. We all need grace and God is with us in our disappointment.
WORDS BY
Kumbi Ncube
