How to lovingly disagree
Is it even possible to disagree with someone and still be friends? In a world where a tweet can turn tens of thousands of people against you, how can we hold true to our beliefs and disagree well?
There is plenty to divide us right now. It feels as though we’ve lived through one divisive moment or movement after another – Brexit, Covid-19, Black Lives Matter, the US elections… – driving us further and further apart. Left and right. Our social media channels are echo chambers, reinforcing our views and making any opinion other than our own seem outrageous. Offensive. We can pick and choose the news we read so that we only ever hear our side of the argument.
Gradually, we can fool ourselves into believing every reasonable person thinks as we do. But the truth is, they don’t. And they might be wrong – but so might we.
How can we disagree, and still be friends? I think the answer is love. This beautiful passage from the Bible gives us a vision of what love looks like:
‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.’ (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Love… is not easily angered
Some disagreements are so trivial they are not worth challenging. We can agree to disagree on the fact that peanut butter is disgusting, and cats are evil. That’s okay. Other views – like the correct pronunciation of scone – require a heated debate…
And then there are those actually important issues, like which political party to vote for, or the validity of climate change, or the treatment of refugees and asylum seekers. These things have the potential to change lives, and so it’s sometimes shocking to find out that our friends, neighbours, or colleagues hold a view that opposes ours. But in these moments, we must choose to hold our tempers. Words said in anger are rarely the most compelling. It’s unlikely we’ll win people over with heated words formed off the top of our heads. In fact, we’ll probably do the opposite. And risk the relationship, too.
‘Words said in anger are rarely the most compelling.’
Love… is patient and kind
Instead, let’s listen to views we disagree with. Let’s hold our own views with humility, accepting we may be wrong and our friends may have something valuable to teach us. If we are kind to them and hear them out, they will (hopefully) do the same for us. If the issue is fundamental to us, and friendship is important, we will probably have to have similar discussions over and over again. This takes patience. A lot of patience. And grace, too. But over time, we may find some common ground, or even change their mind. Or maybe they will change ours.
Whatever the outcome, it is important that we speak out and have these hard conversations. Being afraid of an argument isn’t a good enough reason not to stand up for what we believe in. But we can and should have them well.
At the very least, having to graciously defend our opinions to someone we love and respect will help us realise why we hold them in the first place, and why some others don’t. It will develop our convictions and help us understand what we believe. And that’s a really good thing.
Love… rejoices with the truth
Never be afraid to admit you were wrong. We all get things wrong all the time. When we reach the truth, we can rejoice! Similarly, if the person we’ve been lovingly disagreeing with changes their mind, don’t boast or gloat. Rejoice – with them! Maybe we’ve converted them to the joy of olives (good luck with that, many friends have tried, none have succeeded). Maybe we’ve helped them change their view on generosity, or on tax, or on foreign policy. Maybe we’ve introduced them to Jesus. Amazing!
When people change their minds, don’t then point out all the ways they were wrong before – celebrate the fact they’ve found the truth.
‘Let’s interrogate our own opinions, pray over them, trust God with them, and hope that – whether we agree or disagree – our friends will see that we are treating them with love.’
Love… always hopes, trusts and perseveres
We give up too easily. We give up on friendships when people disappoint us. We give up on leaders when they say something we don’t 100% agree with. We give in when we can’t face another debate. We let go when holding on feels too hard.
Yes, sometimes friendships come to an end. Sometimes we can’t agree to disagree – the fundamental issue is too important. Sometimes it’s not worth the argument. Sometimes we know what we have to say is not loving at all, so it’s better not to say it.
And yet, when we can, let’s hope. Let’s interrogate our own opinions, pray over them, trust God with them, and hope that – whether we agree or disagree – our friends will see that we are treating them with love. That we’re holding onto the relationship because they are important. Because they have value (even if they have some questionable opinions). And as we persevere with them, all of us can learn something. We can all become better.
In the process, we can hold onto the hope that God is doing good work in us, and that His love never fails.
WORDS BY
Sarah Stone
