Happily Single, Happily Married: An Interview with Julia Strachan
Being married by 24 was a certain for April’s cover star, Julia Strachan. So when she approached 40 without either, it took digging deep to find contentment where she was. Julia shares with us her journey of embracing singleness, trusting for things yet unseen and the reality that hard work doesn’t stop when our prayers are answered.
FACT FINDER:
Julia Strachan is a campaigner against modern slavery and trafficking
She is the head of partnerships at modern slavery charity, Justice & Care
Prior to this, she worked for 12 years at Sky Sports News
Julia broke a world record when she and a wider crew rowed the Atlantic to raise money for modern slavery
THE ROAD OF FORGIVENESS
What was your childhood like and what values shaped you into the woman you are today?
The word that comes to mind is tumultuous. I was born and raised in Finland, and we moved to the UK in the 80s, when I was seven and my sister was nine. It was hard because whilst growing up going to church every Sunday, there was violence from my Dad to my Mum. I find it hard to even say, ‘I grew up with domestic abuse’, but we did. My father was a pastor and so it tainted my image of God as I saw the hypocrisy of it all. So I turned away from my faith for 11 years. I came back to my faith at the age of 27, and God led me through a big journey of forgiveness with my Dad. God just wastes nothing, He constantly works all things together for our good. It's so easy to say that, but He doesn't waste a tear. So whilst it was tumultuous, it has forged a resilience and fortitude.
What was the reality of forgiveness like for you?
I'm 43 now, so it’s been over 20 years of forgiveness because forgiveness isn't one act of laying it down, it's a daily thing. My Dad got things wrong, but I remember in my 20s, I was at home after a breakup, and I caught my face in the mirror and it was just ugly with hatred. I thought, ‘I'm actually treating my Dad so badly’ – and God convicted me of that. But forgiveness is a continual journey. Practically, putting in boundaries has really helped. A football game without the referee and lines is a free-for-all, so we need boundaries. Growing up, I thought everybody else had perfect families but you realise everybody has tough relationships. I think it's just a continual process of allowing God to guide you in those.
Before you began your process of forgiveness, how did you see that experience impact you?
Innately we are made for community, and I definitely craved that, especially because of that void from my father. I had two long relationships that were less than God's best. As a teenager, I thought I'd be married at 24 with four kids but the reality was completely different. From 17, I dated someone for seven years, and in that time I chased the money, partying, holidays, and career. Everything seemed lovely, but then that relationship broke down. So I got to 28 and I didn't know who Julia was. I had always thought I'd be fine on my own, and actually, it was frightening.
EMBRACING SINGLENESS
What was your journey like in finding your identity?
The week after one long-term relationship ended, I was at church and the speaker said, ‘if you feel like giving up, come to the front and somebody will pray for you’. I bolted out of my seat and sobbed my guts out. Then I ended up doing the Alpha course and everything I knew to be true of God went from my head to my heart. I dated a guy at church who restored my faith in men, but that wasn't to be. I was so happily single. I was like a taxi with my light off, just unavailable. I was spending time coming back to God, and finding out who Julia was without my identity being in guys.
There can be the idea that life doesn’t start until we find a partner. How did you learn to not just accept, but embrace being single?
My singleness became such a gift. I absolutely loved the spontaneity and opportunity to do different things. A friend always said to me, ‘Julia, you run your race passionately and if a guy joins but lags behind, forget it’. If I waited to start life until marriage, I'd have been waiting till now. So my advice is, don't miss the blessing of this season by pining for the next. I lived life in all its fullness in my single years. It helps to take time off Instagram so you stop seeing the engagements, baby scans and weddings because that can be painful. At times, I did feel lonely, which is when I took it into my own hands and dated people I shouldn't have. Even though I dated good guys, there was just always something missing.
‘Even though I dated good guys, there was just always something missing.’
How did your faith prevent you from settling?
As I hit 30, 33 and 35, I thought 'Oh okay, I didn’t think I’d be single at this age’. There were times when I didn't trust God, but I quickly ran back because I wanted to do it His way. God cares about the details in our lives. Who you marry is one of the biggest decisions in your life, so I think God cares wildly about that. I remember vividly driving one day and saying, ‘Lord, if I never get married, I think I'll be okay because you will fulfil my heart's desires one way or another’. I don't think God leaves our desires, He will fulfil them one way or another. That's also quite scary because it might not be in the way we think it should be. But I believe God wants to meet what’s in our hearts.
When we refuse to settle, we can be perceived as picky. How did you protect your mental and emotional health from external noise?
I had every ‘why aren't you online? You’re too picky. Maybe you are intimidating’. Most people try to put a reason as to why you’re single, which doesn’t help because you do feel forgotten at times. I did feel like, ‘have you really got this, God?’. Even though there were moments of that, I did have unwavering trust because I knew God was only going to bless my life with opportunities even if I didn't get married. Don't try pushing it, it might take longer, but is God not big enough to deal with that?
‘My singleness became such a gift.’
ROOM FOR A DIFFERENT FOCUS
You said being single allowed you to focus on different areas and opportunities. What did that look like for you?
After coming back to my faith through the Alpha course, I realised there was more to life than me. I was open to being disturbed and I wanted to make a difference. I saw the film Taken, and a few months later, at a conference, they spoke about modern slavery. I wasn’t just moved, I was moved to action. That was the start of wanting to bring freedom to those caught up in this heinous crime. Slavery is rife on our doorstep in the UK with 100,000 victims estimated to be in slavery. The global figure is 49.6 million. It’s not okay, and I will fight for others’ freedom throughout my life. We can’t do everything but we can all do something. All our somethings collectively change the world.
You broke the world record when you and a wider crew rowed 3,000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean to raise awareness for slavery. What did you learn from that experience?
Row for Freedom was a God opportunity. It was the most stretching time of my life with my mum being ill, working at Sky, leading a crew, learning to row, fundraising and raising awareness. All of that was before the crossing, which was peril filled. However, it’s the setbacks that bring out the gold in us. Against all odds, we made it and I wouldn’t change the challenges – crazily! There was a boat in our race called ‘Dream it, Do it’. It has become my life’s motto. Dreaming is easy, but the doing is tough. Life’s challenges will come without a doubt, but if you don’t give up - like it’s tempting to do in our instant gratification culture - you will make it to the other side.
How have you seen your mission develop from where it started to now?
I was burnt out after 12 years of shift work at Sky Sports News and having a charity, Sport for Freedom, for 5 years after Row for Freedom. I went to see one of my mentors to chat through what I should do. I think it’s really important to glean the wisdom of those further down the line whom you respect. He invited me to go to India to see the work of the slavery charity, Justice and Care. Put it this way, I came back, cried for two weeks and wanted in. When you can make your passion your paycheck, it’s quite remarkable and such a privilege! Justice and Care bring care to survivors and they pursue criminal networks alongside the police. They’re bringing systemic change at the highest level, and giving the government regular recommendations through our Policy Unit.
A LOVE WORTH WAITING FOR
Faith does not mean we will not face heartbreak, but it can help us heal our heartbreak. What has your experience been of this?
At 39, I met a guy I thought I would marry. I moved outside of London to be near him and I invested in his children, but it got ripped out from under my feet after one year. It was like grief because it wasn't just grieving the relationship, it was the fear of approaching 40 and being single. People said to me, ‘this is going to take you so long to get over’. I went to see some friends, and they prayed that the year would turn out great after all. That encouraged me to face the pain of my heartache. I said, ‘Lord, I'm going to face this pain. This is not going to take a year to get over, we're going to deal with this and not put our head in the sand’. In May 2019, I was praying, looking out of my flat at sunset, and I said, ‘Lord, my heart feels good. I know it’s only been three months but I'm good’.
‘It wasn't just grieving the end of the relationship, it was the fear of approaching 40 and being single.’
How did that time of intentional healing prepare you for meeting your now husband?
I just wanted a guy to pursue me and for it to be undeniable. The very next day, I went to our Justice and Care annual partner briefing. I met my husband, and I knew it. I'd met him before when speaking at a different Justice and Care event. At that time, I was with a boyfriend, and he was married, so obviously, I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know that he was about to get divorced, and I was about to be dumped. So we met again, the sparks flew and we were both single. That night I called one of my best friends and said, ‘I think I've met my husband’. It was just mind-blowing to meet God's greatest guy, who I thought was incredible but is immeasurably more so now a few years into marriage.
What assured you that he was the right man for you?
After one heartbreak, I went to Dubai to see a friend. She had nipped to town, so I called two close friends, and in my heartbreak, they prayed for me. I put the phone down and said, ‘Lord, would you put a heart-shaped cloud in the sky to show me you love me?’ fully expecting He would, but nothing happened. Two minutes later, my friend returned and said, ‘I was in town and I felt I needed to buy you these earrings’. I opened them and they were heart earrings. My friend’s not a Christian, but she said, ‘I felt like the big heart is God, and the three little hearts in the middle are going to be the three children in your life’. The night I met my husband, he showed me a picture of his three children. Because of the way God had spoken to me through my friend, I knew that was my husband. God wants to lead us in our lives, and if we're open to it, He can guide us in the most undeniable ways. When it came to my husband, I wanted the ‘God story’, which He has for each one of us.
BLENDING FAMILIES
You are now a step-mum to three children and have since had your son. What has the journey been like of blending families?
When I was at Sky Sports, one of my colleagues, who had a blended family, said, ‘I’ve found that with stepchildren, you have to be intentional’. So it’s just about spending that time with them. I’ve now had my son, Brave, so he's the fourth child, and it feels like a complete number. But it takes all of us to play ball otherwise, it all falls apart. If you are at war and you're using the kids as ammo against the other, it damages everyone. Don’t get me wrong, each child has had moments of questioning 'I've got a great Mum and Dad, why aren't they together?’. We've had to have the difficult conversations and be really truthful and talk them through why it didn't work out for their Mum and Dad. But we're all so united for them, and the only thing that does is bless our family, so everyone's a winner.
Seeing our prayers answered doesn't mean the hard work stops. What areas did you have to work on as an individual to prepare for married life?
Become the person who you are looking for. Do I want my husband to have debt? No? Okay, Julia, sort your debt out. Do I want them to have unresolved family issues? No? Go and sort it out yourself then and seek therapy. I worked so hard. I spent a couple of years with a psychotherapist working through childhood traumas and insecurities that I did not want to bring into marriage. I did the hard work on myself, and it has paid dividends. I’ve got three phenomenal stepchildren who I love dearly, and it's very amicable with their Mum. I made the mistake of trying to be the kids’ Mum in a previous relationship, but the kids already have a great Mum, so I'm just their bonus love bomb. I can encourage, inspire and model Jesus to them. The continual hard work has carried on, but marriage is such a gift. I think being older and having waited, I cherish it even more.
As told to Ellie Dalton
Photography by Amanda Akokhia
Creative Direction by Ruth Yimika Afolabi
Styling by Mo Ogunsan
Makeup by Sunaina Atthi
Hair by Carole James
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