The Myth of Balance in Motherhood: An Interview with Tobi Asare
Dress by DRIES VAN NOTEN
As women who want to give 100% in all areas of life, we can feel thinly stretched. When adding motherhood to the mix, we might think another area, like our career, has to take a back seat. Tobi Asare shares how adjusting our perspective and gaining wisdom on the blend of life changes the game when navigating our multiple hopes and goals.
FACT FINDER
Tobi is the Managing Partner and Head of Growth at marketing agency, OMD UK
She is the founder of My Bump Pay, a platform providing information to working Mums to overcome barriers, and to empower them in career decisions when thinking about starting a family and beyond
She has written a book, The Blend, which provides practical tips and wisdom on how to thrive while successfully blending work and family life
WOMANHOOD AND AMBITION
As a woman of faith, how do you view and cultivate ambition?
I saw something interesting in my parents, I saw their ambition to provide for and give their family the very best. Their commitment to providing wasn't just for their nuclear family, it was for wider family and friends. So for me, my ambition isn't for myself, it's to support people I come into contact with throughout life. I feel that as a Christian, my ambition is to do the best that I can in every area of life. I believe if God has given us a skillset, it is our duty to do the best we can with it.
‘As a Christian, my ambition is to do the best that I can in every area of life.’
How do you practically foster and nurture ambition both professionally and personally?
Professionally, for me, it’s about over-delivering. If I'm asked to do a task, I'll do the best I can because somebody has trusted me, but also somebody is paying me. The Bible speaks a lot about working well. I also love helping people on their career journeys and seeing people thrive. I hope my team say I'm somebody that thrusts them into opportunities they would love to do but sometimes don't feel ready for. I hold their hand and guide them because I feel God has been so favourable to me that, where I have an opportunity, I love to help people flourish in their careers. Personally, it's about investing in myself and talking to friends. My friends are a practical tool because they inspire me every day with what they're doing and their journeys. We'll talk, ask questions, seek advice and pray for each other.
How has the mindset of over-delivering served you?
It has benefited me, but I think it has also held me back in some instances. It has benefited me because I've been trusted to take on a lot and run large teams. It has held me back because I've thought, ‘Surely if I'm working as hard as I can, I'll progress because somebody will notice how hard I'm working.’ - which is not always the case. You've got to take your career into your own hands in terms of stating your ambition and asking for opportunities you want to go for. It's not a case of just working hard.
As we see ourselves progress, imposter syndrome can creep in. What has your experience and solution been with this?
I made the career change from the financial sector to the media industry, knowing nothing and nobody. In the early days, I thought, ‘What am I doing here? Was it a mistake?’. In terms of practical steps to try and overcome that, I sought heaps of support from people. Anyone I could talk to that I trusted, I would get their counsel. If I saw a mentoring scheme open, I'd apply for it. I felt like I needed all the help, information and points of reference I could possibly get my hands on.
Sequinned Shirt and Leather Skirt by 16 ARLINGTON
A PRICE TO PAY?
For many women, there can be the worry that motherhood comes at the expense of their ambition and career. Is this something you experienced?
In the early days of pregnancy, there are so many questions in your head. I started asking, ‘I feel like I've got this massive momentum behind my career, but is that now about to be on pause because I'm having a child?’. In my own pregnancy, I kept on going throughout the nine months until I came to the moment of having to go on maternity leave. That was definitely a nerve-wracking moment in terms of handing things over and not understanding how it was all going to come into place. Those questions and conversations prompted me to start [my platform] My Bump Pay as I felt I couldn't be the only one wondering about it.
‘I feel like I've got this massive momentum behind my career, but is that now about to be put on pause because I'm having a child?’
How did My Bump Pay come about, and what impact do you hope the platform has on its community?
I was the first person in my office to go on maternity leave, and I thought, ‘Surely there should be somewhere I can go where I can find information for someone who still wants to achieve their goals in and outside the workplace and grow their family simultaneously?’. So, My Bump Pay is a platform that provides information and resources to help women feel empowered and confident when making important career decisions when thinking about starting a family and beyond.
What impact did becoming a mother have on your ambition at work?
After maternity leave, I actually returned to work in a role with more responsibility [than before]. Whilst I found it really difficult there was a huge element of me that was relieved to go back. Motherhood is amazing, but it's a minefield of so many new things. So going back to work, I was like, ‘Ah, I know how to do this’. I found I was more ambitious than ever but in a very different way because there was a whole new sense of responsibility. In the same way that my parents gave me amazing opportunities, I knew I wanted to do that for my children. So I think that element of ambition became more purpose-driven for me when I became a Mum.
How did you ensure that renewed sense of responsibility didn't become all-consuming to the point of losing the joyful side of work?
I think for me, my husband and I had a tangible goal when I went back to work which was that we wanted to get on the property ladder. So for me, ambition was focused on a goal, and my joy was in achieving that goal. Even though going back to work was extremely hard, I felt a sense of purpose because I had that goal to work towards. But I was also feeling the strain of being a working Mum and thinking, ‘This is so, so hard. How am I doing this? Am I doing the right thing?’. I don't think I ever found that exact point of joy, it was just taking it day-to-day.
What role did your faith play in taking it day to day?
For me, it's that meaning of your faith being a daily source of energy. I say to God, ‘Help me get through today. What wisdom do I need to make the right decisions today?’. Sometimes when I know I have to have tough conversations, I ask God to give me the words and the grace to navigate them. So faith is literally daily sustenance for me.
Dress by VICTORIA BECKHAM
CHANGING THE NARRATIVE
As a working mother, what barriers and challenges have you faced?
The challenges are so different for everyone. Some of the challenges I faced were around assumptions of me not wanting to do things or not being asked to take on certain opportunities because I’m a Mum. I think a lot of Mums face that because they're among people who assume they won't or can’t do certain things which I think is a shame because, as I’ve experienced, Mums come with an abundance of ambition, tenacity and focus. There are also challenges in terms of your own self-identity, which I've definitely grappled with. Heaps change when you become a Mum, and you're trying to navigate who you were before and who you are now. It doesn't mean you are a completely different person. You still love a lot of the things you used to love, but you can't do them all in the same way. That sense of going with the flow was easy before having kids, so having parameters on your time is different.
How have you navigated those challenges?
I genuinely think it's about finding a blend, not the balance. It's about stealing pockets of time for yourself. My friend asked me, ‘how do you find time for yourself?’ I replied, ‘I literally steal it’. If I want to go to the gym, I look for opportunities where I can work out and take my kids. If I want to see my friends, I might bring my children. It’s just finding a way to blend life, family and work. It’s not easy, but I'm a big advocate of women still living the life they want, irrespective of having children.
Many areas become stretched as a parent, including finances. What has your journey been of handling finances well, and how can parents help each other in this area?
It's doing the very best you can. We have childcare obligations and a mortgage to pay, and we're really grateful for the blessings from God, but there’s no denying that having children is expensive. We can help each other by sharing our experiences and knowledge. So it could be sharing that scheme your workplace or nursery offers. And if someone shares something you don’t know exists, you can look at your policy and speak to your employer about exploring it. Conversations prompt questions, and questions prompt investigation. So I think just ask people, 'How do you do it? Are there any particular hacks?'.
MANAGING THE MENTAL LOAD
As someone who gives her all in everything, what has your journey been like with perfection when blending motherhood and work?
I learned early on that I was not going to be this perfect Mum. There are not enough hours in the day for me to strive for perfection. I just try to do the best I can. So, those big moments of motherhood where I need to show up for my children, I'm going to nail those, and those big moments where I need to show up in my career, I'm absolutely going to smash those. Everything else is a bonus. I'm just not that Mum who boils seven different types of vegetables, and if I have to start work at 6:00 AM for half an hour, then get the kids ready, and then come back to my desk, that's how I'm going to get it all done. I think striving for perfection is what ruins Mums. It's what is so detrimental to mental health, and it's why I don't talk about balance – because there's no such thing.
‘I think striving for perfection is what ruins Mums.’
Needing to show up as your full self in multiple places can leave us feeling thinly spread. What has the impact of this been on you?
In fleeting moments it leads to the comparison game. Sometimes I look at other people - which you shouldn't do, but we all do - and I think, ‘How are they making seven types of cookies and squeezing in homework?’. I struggle to do the homework every single day because I don't get home every evening before my children go to sleep. There are bigger examples of feeling like you have to be the perfect Mum, employee and perfect wife, but it can lead women to strive for something that is not possible. You have to remember nobody has your child, work circumstances or relationship, so you've got to strive for what works for you.
How has keeping your faith as the foundation of your career and family served you?
We've all got our individual faith journeys, but I feel like the journey of my faith journey and my husband's really complement each other. He's my biggest cheerleader and supporter. In moments where I doubt myself, he’s like, ‘You can absolutely do this!', and I think that's a lot of his faith speaking. A lot of keeping faith as a foundation is probably through community. Sometimes it is just speaking to friends and putting in a prayer request. It has definitely drawn me closer to God when I come together in community when facing challenges or worries.
As told to Ellie Dalton
Photography by Amanda Akokhia
Creative Direction by Ruth Yimika Afolabi
Styling by Mo Ogunsan
Makeup by Torera Adebisi
Hair by Carole James
You can purchase Tobi’s book, The Blend, here.
Stay up to date with Tobi here.